Doctor Dave

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming.But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering:

Dave..........................

Dave.............

YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN, YOU SICK BASTARD!!!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

It’s amazing! I feel like shit or I should say I did feel like shit, full of anger, and pain. Then tonight at the Tuesday Night Porter Hall meeting I realized I am not only in pain but grateful at the same time. Grateful that I am not alone and that I am feeling exactly what I need to feel. The meeting was excellent and furthered my decision to break up with my girlfriend of almost 2 years was the correct thing to do.

We are each given by God instincts and methods of dealing with life. When drinking these instincts get abused and turn into Character defects, or as they are referred to in Step 7, Shortcomings. I heard from someone tonight that another way to look at shortcomings as something that leaves you short. Man is he correct.

“True, most of us thought good character was desirable, but obviously good character was something one needed to get on with the business of being self-satisfied. With a proper display of honesty and morality, we’d stand a better chance of getting what we really wanted. But whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the dust of our chase after what we thought was happiness. Seldom did we look at character-building as something desirable in itself, something we would like to strive for whether our instinctual needs were met or not. We never though of making honesty, tolerance, and true love of man and God the daily basis of living.” – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg 71-72

This paragraph hit me tonight like a ton of bricks. However it hit me in the best meaning of the phrase. I realized truly and finally that this breakup was the right thing to do. I had to break up with her because if I didn’t I would be seeking comfort, rather than seek character-building, in terms of all aspects of me.

I also came to realize that I was living in fear and insanity. Fear in terms of being fearful of how she might act each night; insanity with respect to thinking that this time would be different. I can not allow myself to live in fear and insanity. There is only so much one man can put up with. A relationship must involve compromise. I compromised for her. But she couldn't compromise her drinking for me. What a stab though the heart!

I was chasing after what I thought was happiness in my relationship with her. It turned out not to be in the end. If true happiness was to occur compromises on both sides would have been accomplished. However, with this being said, there were an incalculable number of times I experienced more happiness than I thought was possible. I did not realize until that Sunday Night that I truly needed to get on with the business of being self-satisfied, as referred to in the passage, and that I was neglecting her and my opportunity to grow. Tonight I realized that I had to do this whether my instinctual needs (ie sex, and companionship) were met or not.

Now I must working on character-building by disassociating my self with her via communication. I must do nothing more than keep her in my prayers, give her the Christmas gifts she so deserves, although at times the pain and anger sway me otherwise.

My Dog Swabie

I had to do by far the most painful thing today. Put down my dog of 16 years. It was so hard to see her go but I know she is in a much better place now. Playing with all of the other dogs in the big park in the sky.

I got her when she was only 4 months old. My parents made a deal with me that if I kept my room clean for a month I could get a dog. Needless to say my subsequent rooms have never been clean that long since.

I had so very many fond memories of the little furball. From playing ball with her to taking her on road trips. All were such fond memories and brought a smile to my face yet made it that much more difficult to see her go.

She had been going down hill for months now. She had gone deaf and blind about a year ago but was still full of 'piss and vinegar' However yesterday she stopped eatting and breathing irradically. Letting us all know it was time.

I held her for hours today and petted her and let her know everything was going to be all right. And cried over her as they uthenized her and she took her final breath. The conflict of emotions tearing me apart. Did she want to go...did I do the right thing...will she be happier in her new home... How I hated to see her pass.

The family burried her right afterward in one over her favorite places on the property with her favorite toys, blankets, and treats. As we closed the lid on the makeshift coffin tears rained down from all of us. One last pet on the cheek to our favorite four legged friend. A sweetheart in the truest definition of the word. A dog that trusted more than any other, that loved more than any one.

undefined Swabie

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12 Steps of Non-Recovery

1) We admitted we were powerless over nothing, that we would manage our lives perfectly and those of anyone else who would allow us to.

2) Came to believe there was no power greater than ourselves and that the rest of the world was insane.

3) Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their will and their lives over to our care even though they couldn't understand us.

4) Made a searching moral and immoral inventory of everyone we knew.

5) Admitted to the whole world the exact nature of everyone else's wrongs.

6) Were entirely ready to make others straighten up and do right.

7) Demanded other to either shape up or ship out.

8) Made a list of all persons who had harmed us and became willing to go to any length to get even with them all.

9) Got direct revenge on such people whenever possible, except when to do so would cost us our lives, or at the very least a jail sentence.

10) Continued to take the inventory of others and when they were wrong promptly and repeatedly told them about it.

11) Sought through complaining and nagging to improve our relations with others as we couldn't understand them asking only that they knuckle under and do it our way.

12) Having had a complete physical, emotional, and spiritual breakdown as a result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and pity in all of our affairs.

Great Quotes

I have to start walking out of step with my situation, and start walking in step with my destiny.
-- Anonymous

We need to be prepared for what God has choosen for me to do.
-- Anonymous

Things that matter most should never be at the mercy of things that matter least.
-- Goethe

What lies before us & lies behind us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
-- Oliver Wendle Holmes

We are not human beings living a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings living a human experience.
-- Anonymous

Bitter Sweet

Four years ago today I started a new volume of my life, by going to rehab, and in less than 10 hours I will celebrate four continuous years of sobriety. In those four years chapters and chapters of my life have been written. However looking back on those chapters, I can't help to feel that the journey is bitter sweet.

Bitter because of the multitudes of individuals that started out on this journey with me, few have remained faithful and stayed on the path. Some have wandered of to test the waters of life, only to come back with a new resolve. Some have veered off, and have yet to return. And some, painfully to say, have left only to loose their lives. Yet, thankfully, others have stayed true to themselves and the path and have not wavered, thus celebrating yet another year with them makes it so sweet.

Contemplating this just makes me wonder why have I been so blessed. In retrospect I feel that it has it's foundation in willingness. When I arrived at rehab I was unwilling to stay sober. I was only willing to clean up my life enough so that I would have the law, and my family off my back. I just wished to regain my standing in the community, and my health, and then go back to my life as I knew it. However as I got introduced to the sober lifestyle and recognized it was truly not as bad as I thought my willingness grew and grew until I was willing to go to any length. The final keystone in my willingness was when I truly accepted the fact that I was powerless and my life had become unmanageable.

However willingness will only get you so far. As one author put it: "If willingness is the key to unlock the gates of hell, it is action that opens those doors so that we may walk freely among the living." Thankfully when I became willing to go to any length there was a plethora of individuals that had been walking the spiritual and sober path much longer than I. These old-timers, and elder statesmen showed me what actions were necessary for victory over alcohol and drugs, thus allowing me to truly open those gates wide so I may now walk with my head held high, freely among the living. Again some are still with us, some have passed on to the big meeting in the sky. Sharing yet another celebration of yet another year with all of them excites me, and humbles me. Making me be hopeful that I can return the favor one day and be in their shoes to carry the message to the next man or woman who starts on a new path of life.

What Does 'Kirk' Really Mean?

Well I'm bored once again. At work waiting for the computer to do it's thing. So what do I do when I have idle time!? Go to MySpace.com of course! So I saw a bulliten post from one of my friends on 'What does your name mean.' I decided to take a look for myself. I did know that Kirk meant Church in Norse but I didn't know the rest of it. It's kinda interesting. If you want to find out what your name means go to http://www.bostonuk.com/index.cfm?id=572

Kirk
Church : Norse

You are an inspiring leader whose originality, creativity and wisdom are applied to creating practical solutions to "unsolvable" problems. Humanitarian and idealistic your vision is to make the world a better place and you will work to this end. Hardworking and tenacious people admire you for your honesty and integrity. You are a loved and loyal friend and partner. Your have the potential to achieve enormous success in the world.