One of the most difficult things I have had to learn in life and sobriety is how to Let Go and Let God. In some circles and some circumstances it is called Tough Love.
With Christmas literally just around the corner it is most difficult to let the things that matter most to you in life go with love, and the more you love that person or thing the more difficult it is to let it go even though you are sometimes left no other choice.
What I am beginning to find is that when this happens the mind races with questions of Why? Was there something else I could have done or said or expressed? We look to these questions to find answers to why we acted or chose the paths we did. We look to find why we had to do what we had to do.
In some instances we find answers that we did not want to realize. Sometimes the answer was that we were wrong. Sometimes, in my case we learn that we did all we could and we were left no other choice than the action we choose. And that is the hardest nut to swallow. For when we learn that there was another option we can go back and do whatever is in our power to make it right. But when our choice was the right and only choice it becomes so very painful to accept. Especially when you would do anything and everything in your power to change it, but you can't.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Why
The pain still has not subsided. I loved her with all of me. She was my best friend. Someone I confided in with everything. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have learned so much about myself. But WHY WHY WHY! She knew how I felt about her getting drunk, we discussed time and time again. I told her after Jenna's party that I don't give ultimatums. That I didn't like it when she drank excessively, That she became a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. That I love the Katie that goes to goes to coffee with me. But I always ALWAYS said that I never had a problem with her drinking just her getting drunk. I told her that Jenna's was a warning, a strike one in respects, I told her that one day she would find herself without me. I just wish it wasn't so! I guess looking back on the times this same thing happened since Jenna's Sunday night was in respect strike 5 or 6.
It makes me wonder if she really loved me. If she did would she have drank the way she did? would she have embarrassed me the way she did? I knew she knew how I felt I maid it clear to her. I know I loved her. I invested every waking moment and thought to her and her happiness. I know this because I'm having a hell of a time not thinking about just that. Her and her happiness.
It makes me wonder if she really loved me. If she did would she have drank the way she did? would she have embarrassed me the way she did? I knew she knew how I felt I maid it clear to her. I know I loved her. I invested every waking moment and thought to her and her happiness. I know this because I'm having a hell of a time not thinking about just that. Her and her happiness.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
The worst thing
I just realized the absolute worst thing about all of this! There is nothing else I could have done. Looking back I remembered the multitude of times I let her know how I felt about her drinking. How it took away from us. I clearly remember one night at a party one of her cohorts was throwing. It was time to go and she was very drunk. I was kind and went and got her towel and said not to worry I would get her things. As I went to do so she took the towel off and jumped back in the pool. Her knowing that I had to get up several hours later for work. Needless to say I packed her things went back outside and kissed her goodnight letting her know I would be able to pick her up after I got off work or she could get a ride home. By the time I got on the freeway Jenna was calling me with Her in tears. I went back and picked her up.
The next day I remember telling her that the next time that happens I might not be back to pick her up and she may be without a boyfriend. She took the news well and accepted it.
Then there was the various Rene fiasco's which I need not to mention. The key to all of this is that I let her know countless times how I felt about her getting drunk. Not her drinking. And countless times she betrayed me and my trust and got drunk anyway. I just wish there was something I could have done to make the relationship work. But it turns out there really was nothing. How hopeless that does feel!
The next day I remember telling her that the next time that happens I might not be back to pick her up and she may be without a boyfriend. She took the news well and accepted it.
Then there was the various Rene fiasco's which I need not to mention. The key to all of this is that I let her know countless times how I felt about her getting drunk. Not her drinking. And countless times she betrayed me and my trust and got drunk anyway. I just wish there was something I could have done to make the relationship work. But it turns out there really was nothing. How hopeless that does feel!
Screw it all!
Just got off the phone with a good friend of mine. Whose words put me so much at ease. It went something like this.
"God is making and molding your perfect mate right now and molding you so you will be able to recieve her. A mate where it takes no effort for it to work. It just does."
This is so true! I know I need to stop guessing everything and all of my actions and continue to trust in God. For I truly have a new employer and must trust in him to allow my life to take the path he chooses. However This good friend of mine who told me this has been sober for over 20 years and has a program that I admire. And I know for a fact he prays and meditates on a daily basis. If I had continued on with prayer and meditation after we got back together the last time would it have been different? Would it have taken no effort? Would my defects of character remained in check? Unfortunately I have come to find that the answer would still be no. How depressing! Spirituality is a way of acting and living. It is only through prayer and meditation that we are able to improve our contact with God. Not keep it.
"God is making and molding your perfect mate right now and molding you so you will be able to recieve her. A mate where it takes no effort for it to work. It just does."
This is so true! I know I need to stop guessing everything and all of my actions and continue to trust in God. For I truly have a new employer and must trust in him to allow my life to take the path he chooses. However This good friend of mine who told me this has been sober for over 20 years and has a program that I admire. And I know for a fact he prays and meditates on a daily basis. If I had continued on with prayer and meditation after we got back together the last time would it have been different? Would it have taken no effort? Would my defects of character remained in check? Unfortunately I have come to find that the answer would still be no. How depressing! Spirituality is a way of acting and living. It is only through prayer and meditation that we are able to improve our contact with God. Not keep it.
What was different?
What was different the month following getting back together after our last breakup? A great number of things were different than where they are now, I was never happier. And looking back on that time the whole drinking thing really wasn't an issue. It truly makes me wonder why now all of a sudden did I feel enough was enough? Was I really acting or reacting in the situation? Was it really all that bad? What was I doing differently at that time? Well for one I was praying and meditating on a daily basis. On her side it seemed that she was more considerate of my needs and actions. What was funny was during our 2 hour conversation the other day when I dropped off her Christmas Gifts she said that it was during that time she was unsure of where our relationship was going and if it was going to go anywhere. It was only after that time that it seemed her consideration towards me fell off. I think that stemmed from being comfortable in where we were, and where our relationship could possibly head towards. It's funny because she mentioned that the only times she has ever blacked out in her life were when we were together. As she said it was due to her trust in me and not being afraid. Which warms my heart.
After I fell away from my praying and meditating I found myself falling into those 7 deadly sins of lust, gluttony, pride, sloth. And I began to act out on some of my worst character defects. Character Defects that I used to stay high in my addiction. I just wish that I could take the blame for it all and correct it so I can be back together with her but I can't.
What if she more about me and my alcoholism? What if she went to Alanon with me and we could share that together? How awesome would that be? Being able to share the most important part of my life, my program with another. That way she would not only understand me better but help me in my recovery. Man what a great idea. Why not learn more about her and have her learn more about me. (i.e. my recovery) as friends and see where it goes from there? Maybe I am just thinking too much. Maybe not.
All I know is that outside of the drinking those two years were the happiest of my 25 years of life.
After I fell away from my praying and meditating I found myself falling into those 7 deadly sins of lust, gluttony, pride, sloth. And I began to act out on some of my worst character defects. Character Defects that I used to stay high in my addiction. I just wish that I could take the blame for it all and correct it so I can be back together with her but I can't.
What if she more about me and my alcoholism? What if she went to Alanon with me and we could share that together? How awesome would that be? Being able to share the most important part of my life, my program with another. That way she would not only understand me better but help me in my recovery. Man what a great idea. Why not learn more about her and have her learn more about me. (i.e. my recovery) as friends and see where it goes from there? Maybe I am just thinking too much. Maybe not.
All I know is that outside of the drinking those two years were the happiest of my 25 years of life.
Second Thoughts
I am having second thoughts about this whole break-up. I assume such thoughts are normal. The question, "Should I stay or should I go." Was one question that I did not look at when I acted on Sunday.
If I were to stay and I talked with her yeat again and told her how I felt about her and her drinking. Changes might have occured. I could have explained to her how when she drinks excessivly it deprives me of basic needs and desires. It deeply affects me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Emotionally it affects me because she is not there to duscuss things with. Mentally, because I am unable to hold a conversation with her. Spiritually, because I am not able to share myslef with her in an intimate way. And physically, because I am unable to make love to her because I'm making love to her body and not to the woman I love. She truly becomes a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.
In addition I would still have the my best friend there to share the holidays with. However my fear would be that things would be good for a while and then return to the way they always have. I would be still plagued by the fear of a worse breakup, and us not being able to be friends afterward. I would have the fear of our relationship ending up like her Father and Mother's or like her Father and Step-Mother's.
Furthermore by staying and going through with all of this would I have been causing her to change? Would I have been deniying her an opportunity to grow? The key question is this. IS she an alcoholic or not? That is a question that only she can answer. However looking deeper I can find the following debate helpful.
If she is an alcoholic by us staying together and her trying to control and enjoy her drinking. Things might improve for a while but will invariably return to the way they once were. Not to mention by us staying together she would be denied the oportunity to discover this painful fact that she does have a drinking problem. And by doing might lead us to a point where we can no longer be friends. If that is the case I have uneqivally done the right thing.
If she is not an alcoholic by us staying together things would improve and at some point things might digress for a moment here and there but as long as I trust in God we could lead very happy lives. And the possibility of marriage is and has be there and I might persue that option.
Right now I just feel very lonely. She is not there to confide in. I think this just further demonstrates how I had lost touch with God. After our last breakup I came to learn how I had slowly removed myself from His grace and wisdom and then we brok up. Then we got back together and I began praying and meditating daily like I once did. The exact same things occured yet again. I broke up with her and realize what I should habe been doing the whole time. Staying in touch with my God. Did I make the right decision? Looking deep inside I can honestly say that if I could never have sex with her again but be able to hang out and spend time with her that would be ok. Does that mean anything I don't know.
Who knows maybe, as I'm sure it does the problem lies with me. I must get reconneced with my God. And God willing Katie and I will become friends again and I will just do what is in front of me in the next five minutes and Katie and I might be back together, or we might now.
A big part of me however wishes she would make the final blow if it came down to us not ever being able to be friend or never being able to be in a relationship. I just tend to think that I might have cut off my nose despite my face yet again.
If I were to stay and I talked with her yeat again and told her how I felt about her and her drinking. Changes might have occured. I could have explained to her how when she drinks excessivly it deprives me of basic needs and desires. It deeply affects me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Emotionally it affects me because she is not there to duscuss things with. Mentally, because I am unable to hold a conversation with her. Spiritually, because I am not able to share myslef with her in an intimate way. And physically, because I am unable to make love to her because I'm making love to her body and not to the woman I love. She truly becomes a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.
In addition I would still have the my best friend there to share the holidays with. However my fear would be that things would be good for a while and then return to the way they always have. I would be still plagued by the fear of a worse breakup, and us not being able to be friends afterward. I would have the fear of our relationship ending up like her Father and Mother's or like her Father and Step-Mother's.
Furthermore by staying and going through with all of this would I have been causing her to change? Would I have been deniying her an opportunity to grow? The key question is this. IS she an alcoholic or not? That is a question that only she can answer. However looking deeper I can find the following debate helpful.
If she is an alcoholic by us staying together and her trying to control and enjoy her drinking. Things might improve for a while but will invariably return to the way they once were. Not to mention by us staying together she would be denied the oportunity to discover this painful fact that she does have a drinking problem. And by doing might lead us to a point where we can no longer be friends. If that is the case I have uneqivally done the right thing.
If she is not an alcoholic by us staying together things would improve and at some point things might digress for a moment here and there but as long as I trust in God we could lead very happy lives. And the possibility of marriage is and has be there and I might persue that option.
Right now I just feel very lonely. She is not there to confide in. I think this just further demonstrates how I had lost touch with God. After our last breakup I came to learn how I had slowly removed myself from His grace and wisdom and then we brok up. Then we got back together and I began praying and meditating daily like I once did. The exact same things occured yet again. I broke up with her and realize what I should habe been doing the whole time. Staying in touch with my God. Did I make the right decision? Looking deep inside I can honestly say that if I could never have sex with her again but be able to hang out and spend time with her that would be ok. Does that mean anything I don't know.
Who knows maybe, as I'm sure it does the problem lies with me. I must get reconneced with my God. And God willing Katie and I will become friends again and I will just do what is in front of me in the next five minutes and Katie and I might be back together, or we might now.
A big part of me however wishes she would make the final blow if it came down to us not ever being able to be friend or never being able to be in a relationship. I just tend to think that I might have cut off my nose despite my face yet again.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
What's For Breakfast
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. "A bowl of Soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe rotisserie chicken or a tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry."
Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. "A bowl of Soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe rotisserie chicken or a tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry."
Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
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