A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise, she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says, "your finger is broken."
Thursday, September 14, 2006
When Was Your Name Most Popular
This is fun! Type in your name and see when it was the most popular...
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Why You're Not Getting Any (And How to Fix it)
Date: 2006-05-04, 11:20PM EDT
Dear Roommate,
You went out tonight and had yet another dismal failure. The best thing that can be said about this date is that at least it was mercifully short, so thankfully she didn't have to put up with you for too long.
It's not that you're a bad dude. You're funny, smart, caring, and (to my male heterosexual eye) not that bad looking of a dude. The problem, roommate, is that you're just a fucking idiot when it comes to dating.
I've had to watch this sad charade for over a year now, and I've had to listen to your sob stories, this constant recounting of how you can't find a nice girl to get into a relationship with. I understand; dating is hard. I'm no magician myself and don't claim to be the all-knowing expert of wooing the opposite sex. I've tried to help you, but you won't listen. Now I'm on Craigslist because I just can't stand it anymore.
Roommate, please pull your head out of your ass. Here are ways you constantly fuck up. Fix these, and maybe, just maybe, you'll meet that nice girl you're looking for.
1. BE ON TIME. You fucking asshole, you are always late. ALWAYS. This isn't a big deal when you're just meeting up with me or your friends for beers at the bar, but it's goddamn rude when it's a girl that you're trying to impress, especially on the first date. The message you are sending is that you were doing something more important than making sure that you were on time for your date. As you get to know her better, maybe this can become one of your cute little "quirks," but being late right off the bat makes you look like a fucking dickhead.
2. IRON YOUR GODDAMN SHIRT! You walk out of the house looking like you just pulled your shirt out of the bottom of the hamper. Come to think of it, maybe you did. But dude, you look like fucking hell leaving with all of those wrinkles. Whether you want to admit it or not, she's going to notice. If you show up looking like crap (and late on top of it, fucko), again you're sending the message that you just don't care that much about trying to make a good impression with her. Take a look at your date--unless you're going out with the neighborhood crack whore, have you noticed that she probably spent more than 5 minutes getting ready? If you want her to look good for you, it's only fair that you look good for her, you inconsiderate bastard.
3. SHAVE. Just fucking shave. Your 2-day growth doesn't make you look like a dashing rogue. It makes you look like a slovenly bastard. Also, I want you to try an experiment: go to the Home Depot down the street. By some ..2 sandpaper. Take it out of the box, and grasp it with the palm of your hand, positioning your arm at approximately a 45-degree angle. NOW RUB IT ALL OVER YOUR FUCKING FACE AND SEE HOW MUCH IT HURTS. Doesn't feel too good, does it you stupid son of a bitch? That's exactly what your face feels like to her if, heaven forbid, you actually kiss her. Now, some girls like the feel of an unshaved face. Shit, some girls like to be choked while you fuck them in the ass and pretend that she's an underage ballerina and you're Superman. But that doesn't mean you should show up to your first couple of dates with a gag ball, an industrial-size tube of K-Y, and a goddamn cape. Play the percentages: shave until she tells you otherwise. Asshole.
4. PAY ATTENTION TO THE CONVERSATION. You always complain about uncomfortable silences. Well, dickhead, what is it that you're talking about that leads to silence? You're doing one of two thing: (1) Talking about stuff that's boring as hell to most people, that could lead to potential conflicts, or that makes her feel uneasy (topics in this category include: work, politics, sports, religion and sex). If you get into a relationship, you might have long discussions about any of these topics. That's cool, that's healthy. But whipping that stuff out on the first date is most likely going to be a conversation killer; or, (2) You're talking about yourself. You tend to do that a lot. Shut the fuck up. It's about her, not you. Keep the conversation going by asking her follow-up questions and offering selective tidbits about yourself. That way, she feels like not only are you interested in her, but also she's learning about you. It doesn't matter what questions you ask her, just keep her talking. AND FUCKING LISTEN. Don't go on auto-pilot--she'll pick up on the fact that you're not really listening to her right away.
5. SHOW SOME CHIVALRY. Open doors. Offer to pay for the bill (but don't force it--she might feel more comfortable splitting the bill with you, because then she won't feel like you're "expecting something" as a reward). Be nice to the waitress. Don't look at ANY OTHER WOMEN, no matter how hot they are. As soon as you check out some other girl's ass, you're done. Save that shit for when we're out at the bar getting drunk. Until then, focus on your date. Flatter her. This is something we don't do well in our culture, but find a way to compliment her without coming off like an asshole. Find something you genuinely like about her (her outfit, necklace, shoes, whatever) and tell her. Stay away from the following areas, though: Boobs, lips, legs, ass, and just bascially her body in general. Don't come off as a perv.
6. MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Dude, she's not going to fuck you on the first date. It's just not going to happen...and the girl who DOES fuck you on the first date isn't a girl you want to get into a relationship with. If she's fucking you on the first date, how many other guys do you think she's sleeping with? You're not that good looking, charming, or rich. YOUR ENTIRE GOAL FOR THE FIRST DATE IS TO GET A SECOND DATE. That is the only way you should measure success. If you get a kiss after the first date, that's great...but the lack of a kiss doesn't mean shit. And guess what? Your entire goal for the second date is to get the third date. It's ok to ratchet up the physical flirting as the number of your dates increases, but as soon as she feels you trying to sniff out her cooter, you're done unless she already wants to swallow your Special Swimmers.
That's all I've got for right now. I hope you read this. I hope you meet a girl who you can have a good relationship with. I also hope you fucking quit whining about it to me.
Oh, and I need the fucking rent. Asshole.
Courtesy of Craigslist (http://lasvegas.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/157662092.html)
Dear Roommate,
You went out tonight and had yet another dismal failure. The best thing that can be said about this date is that at least it was mercifully short, so thankfully she didn't have to put up with you for too long.
It's not that you're a bad dude. You're funny, smart, caring, and (to my male heterosexual eye) not that bad looking of a dude. The problem, roommate, is that you're just a fucking idiot when it comes to dating.
I've had to watch this sad charade for over a year now, and I've had to listen to your sob stories, this constant recounting of how you can't find a nice girl to get into a relationship with. I understand; dating is hard. I'm no magician myself and don't claim to be the all-knowing expert of wooing the opposite sex. I've tried to help you, but you won't listen. Now I'm on Craigslist because I just can't stand it anymore.
Roommate, please pull your head out of your ass. Here are ways you constantly fuck up. Fix these, and maybe, just maybe, you'll meet that nice girl you're looking for.
1. BE ON TIME. You fucking asshole, you are always late. ALWAYS. This isn't a big deal when you're just meeting up with me or your friends for beers at the bar, but it's goddamn rude when it's a girl that you're trying to impress, especially on the first date. The message you are sending is that you were doing something more important than making sure that you were on time for your date. As you get to know her better, maybe this can become one of your cute little "quirks," but being late right off the bat makes you look like a fucking dickhead.
2. IRON YOUR GODDAMN SHIRT! You walk out of the house looking like you just pulled your shirt out of the bottom of the hamper. Come to think of it, maybe you did. But dude, you look like fucking hell leaving with all of those wrinkles. Whether you want to admit it or not, she's going to notice. If you show up looking like crap (and late on top of it, fucko), again you're sending the message that you just don't care that much about trying to make a good impression with her. Take a look at your date--unless you're going out with the neighborhood crack whore, have you noticed that she probably spent more than 5 minutes getting ready? If you want her to look good for you, it's only fair that you look good for her, you inconsiderate bastard.
3. SHAVE. Just fucking shave. Your 2-day growth doesn't make you look like a dashing rogue. It makes you look like a slovenly bastard. Also, I want you to try an experiment: go to the Home Depot down the street. By some ..2 sandpaper. Take it out of the box, and grasp it with the palm of your hand, positioning your arm at approximately a 45-degree angle. NOW RUB IT ALL OVER YOUR FUCKING FACE AND SEE HOW MUCH IT HURTS. Doesn't feel too good, does it you stupid son of a bitch? That's exactly what your face feels like to her if, heaven forbid, you actually kiss her. Now, some girls like the feel of an unshaved face. Shit, some girls like to be choked while you fuck them in the ass and pretend that she's an underage ballerina and you're Superman. But that doesn't mean you should show up to your first couple of dates with a gag ball, an industrial-size tube of K-Y, and a goddamn cape. Play the percentages: shave until she tells you otherwise. Asshole.
4. PAY ATTENTION TO THE CONVERSATION. You always complain about uncomfortable silences. Well, dickhead, what is it that you're talking about that leads to silence? You're doing one of two thing: (1) Talking about stuff that's boring as hell to most people, that could lead to potential conflicts, or that makes her feel uneasy (topics in this category include: work, politics, sports, religion and sex). If you get into a relationship, you might have long discussions about any of these topics. That's cool, that's healthy. But whipping that stuff out on the first date is most likely going to be a conversation killer; or, (2) You're talking about yourself. You tend to do that a lot. Shut the fuck up. It's about her, not you. Keep the conversation going by asking her follow-up questions and offering selective tidbits about yourself. That way, she feels like not only are you interested in her, but also she's learning about you. It doesn't matter what questions you ask her, just keep her talking. AND FUCKING LISTEN. Don't go on auto-pilot--she'll pick up on the fact that you're not really listening to her right away.
5. SHOW SOME CHIVALRY. Open doors. Offer to pay for the bill (but don't force it--she might feel more comfortable splitting the bill with you, because then she won't feel like you're "expecting something" as a reward). Be nice to the waitress. Don't look at ANY OTHER WOMEN, no matter how hot they are. As soon as you check out some other girl's ass, you're done. Save that shit for when we're out at the bar getting drunk. Until then, focus on your date. Flatter her. This is something we don't do well in our culture, but find a way to compliment her without coming off like an asshole. Find something you genuinely like about her (her outfit, necklace, shoes, whatever) and tell her. Stay away from the following areas, though: Boobs, lips, legs, ass, and just bascially her body in general. Don't come off as a perv.
6. MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Dude, she's not going to fuck you on the first date. It's just not going to happen...and the girl who DOES fuck you on the first date isn't a girl you want to get into a relationship with. If she's fucking you on the first date, how many other guys do you think she's sleeping with? You're not that good looking, charming, or rich. YOUR ENTIRE GOAL FOR THE FIRST DATE IS TO GET A SECOND DATE. That is the only way you should measure success. If you get a kiss after the first date, that's great...but the lack of a kiss doesn't mean shit. And guess what? Your entire goal for the second date is to get the third date. It's ok to ratchet up the physical flirting as the number of your dates increases, but as soon as she feels you trying to sniff out her cooter, you're done unless she already wants to swallow your Special Swimmers.
That's all I've got for right now. I hope you read this. I hope you meet a girl who you can have a good relationship with. I also hope you fucking quit whining about it to me.
Oh, and I need the fucking rent. Asshole.
Courtesy of Craigslist (http://lasvegas.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/157662092.html)
Thursday, April 13, 2006
10 Questions GOD Won't Ask You When You Get To Heaven
If you take the time to read it and maybe apply it to your own life...it makes you think.
1. God won't ask you what kind of car you drove, He'll ask
how many people you drove who didn't have
transportation.
2. God won't ask you the square footage of your house,
He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
3. God won't ask you about the clothes you had in your
closet, He'll ask how many you helped clothe.
4. God won't ask you what your highest salary was, He'll
ask if you gave some to help others.
5. God won't ask you what your job title was, He'll ask if
you performed your job to the best of your ability.
6. God won't ask you how many friends you had, He'll ask
how many people to whom you were a friend.
7. God won't ask you in what neighborhood you lived, He'll
ask how you treated your neighbors.
8. God won't ask you about the color of your skin, He'll
ask about the content of your character.
9. God won't ask you why it took you so long to seek
Salvation, He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in
heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.
10. God won't have to ask you how many people you
forwarded this to, He already knows whether or not you
are ashamed to share this information to whom you
love. Repost this if you believe in God.
May God bless you.
1. God won't ask you what kind of car you drove, He'll ask
how many people you drove who didn't have
transportation.
2. God won't ask you the square footage of your house,
He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
3. God won't ask you about the clothes you had in your
closet, He'll ask how many you helped clothe.
4. God won't ask you what your highest salary was, He'll
ask if you gave some to help others.
5. God won't ask you what your job title was, He'll ask if
you performed your job to the best of your ability.
6. God won't ask you how many friends you had, He'll ask
how many people to whom you were a friend.
7. God won't ask you in what neighborhood you lived, He'll
ask how you treated your neighbors.
8. God won't ask you about the color of your skin, He'll
ask about the content of your character.
9. God won't ask you why it took you so long to seek
Salvation, He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in
heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.
10. God won't have to ask you how many people you
forwarded this to, He already knows whether or not you
are ashamed to share this information to whom you
love. Repost this if you believe in God.
May God bless you.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Olympic Opening Ceremonies
The idealogy of the Olympic Games is something that we as a society and as a globe need to take heed of. It was touching to see 80 nations walk into Tourino last night each being proud of their heritage yet at the same time being proud of being a part of something bigger than themselves.
To me the most touching part of the ceremony was when Peter Gabriel sang John Lennon's Imagine and the cameras panned to the athletes who were holding each other and swaying to the music. Not one countries athletes holding to their team mates swaying to the music but ALL of the athletes from ALL of the countries, big and small, swaying as one. It was a moving statment of what life on this earth could be!
To me the most touching part of the ceremony was when Peter Gabriel sang John Lennon's Imagine and the cameras panned to the athletes who were holding each other and swaying to the music. Not one countries athletes holding to their team mates swaying to the music but ALL of the athletes from ALL of the countries, big and small, swaying as one. It was a moving statment of what life on this earth could be!
Saturday, February 4, 2006
No Sex Since '55
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2230 now."
DON'T YOU LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2230 now."
DON'T YOU LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!
Saturday, January 21, 2006
The Golf Ball
In my hand I hold a ball,
White and dimpled, rather small.
Oh, how harmless it does appear,
The innocent little sphere.
But its size I could not guess,
The awesome power it does possess.
But since I fell beneath its spell,
I've been through the fire of hell.
My life hasn't been quite the same,
Since I chose to play this game.
It rules my mind for hours on end,
A fortune it has made me spend.
It has made me curse and cry,
And hate myself and want to die.
It promises me a thing called par,
If I can hit it straight and far.
To master such a tiny ball,
Should not be very hard at all.
But my desires the ball refuses,
And does exactly what it chooses.
It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies,
Or disappears before my eyes.
Often it will have a whim,
To hit a tree or take a swim.
With miles of grass on which to land,
It finds that tiny patch of sand.
Then has be offering up my soul,
It it first whould drop in the hold.
It's made me wimper like a pup,
And swear that I will give it up.
And take a drink to ease my sorrow,
But the ball knows...I'll be back for more
--Anonymous
White and dimpled, rather small.
Oh, how harmless it does appear,
The innocent little sphere.
But its size I could not guess,
The awesome power it does possess.
But since I fell beneath its spell,
I've been through the fire of hell.
My life hasn't been quite the same,
Since I chose to play this game.
It rules my mind for hours on end,
A fortune it has made me spend.
It has made me curse and cry,
And hate myself and want to die.
It promises me a thing called par,
If I can hit it straight and far.
To master such a tiny ball,
Should not be very hard at all.
But my desires the ball refuses,
And does exactly what it chooses.
It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies,
Or disappears before my eyes.
Often it will have a whim,
To hit a tree or take a swim.
With miles of grass on which to land,
It finds that tiny patch of sand.
Then has be offering up my soul,
It it first whould drop in the hold.
It's made me wimper like a pup,
And swear that I will give it up.
And take a drink to ease my sorrow,
But the ball knows...I'll be back for more
--Anonymous
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