Letter to Her

[Names have been omitted in the interest of anonymity"


-----, I am so frustrated and confused with this whole deal. I am sad and feeling like we are getting cheated. Here are the questions I keep running through my head. Could I marry you and spend the rest of my life with you? Possibly. Do I love you? Unequivocally. Am I in pain without you? Undeniably.

With that being said and you knowing how I feel about you & your drinking, I'm sure we both want to know if we have a chance at working this all out right now so we can truly enjoy the spirit of Christmas and the holidays. I don't want to go through the rest of my life asking "What if".

I don't know if this will work, and I can not change the way I feel about your drinking. We both know that as far back as Jenna's party I have made my position known. The question is there a way we can both find happiness and not hurt each other further? I can not be subjected to your blackouts and binges.

At first I thought there was no hope. Being in AA and watching people with a problem not make it really skews my thinking. I thought us staying together would just bring more pain to us both. However we in AA are sometimes biased. Sometimes I fear you might have a problem because you blackout, and because of your family history. Therefore, I get scared and want to run. I think I have made my position known at least a few times but you still do this drinking to excess thing around me.

However, my only guide in this situation is the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the opinions of a few friends. The Big Book describes different types of drinkers. Some can stop or moderate without help or AA when an event occurs, some can't and need AA's help. I hope and pray you are not the later of the two.

What I am trying to say is that if you value the time and commitment we have put in each other over the past two years as I do, can you either stop drinking, or stop getting drunk, and blacking out? (I guess you could call this the ultimatum you were looking for.) Because I can not handle it when you do. It scares me to my core with your family history as well as my experience. True or not, when you drink, I see my worst enemy...alcoholism, and it denies me of the compassion and love that we both share for each other. Lastly, I hate the look of shame and remorse in your eyes the next day. I don't want my problems to be projecting on you so I need you to try not getting drunk or blacking out around me. That is if you are still interested in me.

If this works we will be able to enjoy who knows how long together. If not we will both learn very valuable, yet painful lessons. Again, I don't want to go through the rest of my life asking "What if".

Please respond ASAP because I will be in SD tonight to go to my meeting and I would love to see you if this proposition meets with your approval. Who knows, it might be nice to watch you open your gifts.

Love,

Kirk