There were two brothers

One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.

His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died.

He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.

Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven.

Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.

God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.

The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.

So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother.

He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the g ood brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you.

It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand - if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment".

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son.


The keg has a hole in it;

the blonde does not."

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get another dog?

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Skittles

Eternity to Celebrate

We have all eternity to celebrate our victories, but only one short hour before sunset in which to win them.
-- Robert Moffat

How Many Cookies?

Happiness

Happiness is not a brilliant climax to years of grim struggle and anxiety. It is a long succession of little decisions simply to be happy in the moment.
-- J. Donald Walters

Never Fart

It Can Always Be Worse

Why Santa Didn't Answer Your Letter

Night Before Christmas - Big Book Style

'Twas the night before Christmas, we were all at the club,

Enjoying a meeting, instead of a pub,

The ashtrays were clean, and the coffee was made,

The Big Books were out and all had prayed.

When out in the lot, there arose such a clatter,

We all jumped up to see what was the matter.

The Chair with his Big Book, and I with my smokes,

Headed outside to find these two blokes.

They came inside and sat at a table;

And said that they'd chair, as soon as they're able.

To start with, they said, "It's more than not drinking;

It's doing your best to fix your sick thinking."

"Think, Think, Think!" and the slogans we used,

Help keep the newcomer from getting confused.

Step 1 is a start, they said we should know,

But after Step 2, we'll be all aglow.

We make a decision when we got to Step 3;

Step 4 was tough, we all could agree,

Step 5 is the one where we let it all out,

After Steps 6 and 7, we are left with no doubt.

At Step 8, we reviewed our list;

And then with Step 9, we had to persist.

After Step 9, the promises ring true;

We didn't make that up, right out of the blue.

After that, it's on with the rest;

The things we must do, to be on our best.

They put on their coats and got ready to leave;

A pretty good end, for this Christmas Eve.

As to their names, we only could guess;

Might have been Bill, and Dr. Bob S.

The two men hopped into a '35 Ford,

And as they pulled out, one of them roared:

"We leave this message, for our sisters & brothers: 

trust God, clean house, and be of service to others.

And for all of you people, I just want to say:

have a nice holiday, but don't drink today!" 

~ Unknown

Merry Christmas!!

Today I know that the light at the end of the tunnel is an old-timer walking ahead of me with a lantern.

Think You're Having A Bad Day At Work?

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana .

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2
FM in
Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience
contest.
Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn . I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Who Started This Christmas Stuff?

A woman was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable; and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.

She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year - overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, getting that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, making sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.

Finally the elevator doors opened, and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff. When the doors closed, she couldn't take it anymore and she stated, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up and shot."

From the back of the car, everyone heard a quiet, calm voice respond, "Don't worry, we already crucified Him."

For the rest of the trip down in the elevator, it was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. This year, don't forget to keep "the One who started this whole Christmas thing" in your every thought, deed, purchase and words. If we all did it, just think of how different this whole world would be.


"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son; that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." (John 3:16)

Best Pool Shot by a Naked Chick

Need I say more?

Power

Power is so characteristically calm that calmness in itself has the aspect of strength.
-- Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

When Life Gives You Lemons...

Family Dinner

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize. As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.

'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up t o me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas..

Remember This At Christmas Time

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-old man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Hope

He that lives upon hope will die fasting.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Some People Are Like Slinkies...

Can You Hear Me Now?

In Business...

In business, words are words, explanations are explanations, promises are promises, but only performance is reality.
-- Harold S. Geneen

God Has A Sense Of Humor

Christmas Lights

Just got this wonderful video in an email. What a wonderful video and sentiment! Merry Christmas to you all!

You Become

It doesn't happen all at once.... You become. It takes a long time.
--Margery Williams

Special Bus

Serenity

Serenity isn't freedom from the storm; it is peace within the storm.

-- Anonymous

Don't Hit Kids

The Ultimate of Life

All animals, except man, know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it.
-- Samuel Butler

We'll Always Be Friends

Great People

A truly great person is the one who gives you a chance.
--Paul Duffy

OMG WTF

Einstein

Einstein's E=mc2 is an extraordinary concept. So radical: matter and energy are two phases of the same sort of general stuff. There's only one other idea that radical:

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

-- Kurt Vonnegut

What a Friend Will Do

Where Happiness Comes From

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.
Frederick Keonig

I Didn't Hit You!

Fly Bites

A few fly bites cannot stop a spirited horse.
Mark Twain

Light Travels Faster Than Sound.

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Wise Philosophy

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip.

You don't have to actually answer the questions.

Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners. 

How did you do?

The point is , none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.

These are no second-rate achievers.

They are the best in their fields.

But the applause dies..

Awards tarnish.

Achievements are forgotten.

Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners. 

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special!!

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with. 

Easier?

The lesson:

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials..

the most money...or the most awards.

They simply are the ones who care the most. 

How NOT To Play Dead

This was just too funny not to post!

Sometimes I Wonder...

A Different Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,

I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight. 

My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,

My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.

Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,

Transforming the yard to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,

Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve. 

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,

Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.

In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,

So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,

But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear. 

Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the

sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,

And I crept to the door just to see who was near.

Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,

A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight. 

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,

Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.

Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,

Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,

"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here! 

Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,

You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,

Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..

To the window that danced with a warm fire's light

Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right, 

I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."

"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,

That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,

I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me. 

My Gramps died at ' Pearl on a day in December,"

Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."

My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Nam ',

And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,

But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile. 

Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,

The red, white, and blue... an American flag.

I can live through the cold and the being alone,

Away from my family, my house and my home.

I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,

I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat. 

I can carry the weight of killing another,

Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..

Who stand at the front against any and all,

To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

" So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,

Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."

"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,

"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?

It seems all too little for all that you've done, 

For being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,

"Just tell us you love us, and never forget. 

To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,

To stand your own watch, no matter how long.

For when we come home, either standing or dead,

To know you remember we fought and we bled.

Is payment enough, and with that we will trust, 

That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

PLEASE, would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many 

people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our

U.S service men and women for our being able to celebrate these

festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people 

stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us. 

LCDR Jeff Giles, SC, USN

30th Naval Construction Regiment

OIC, Logistics Cell One

Al Taqqadum, Iraq

Don't Feel Useless...

McDonalds's Hits Africa

Misfortunes

Nothing is so wretched or foolish as to anticipate misfortunes. What madness is it to be expecting evil before it comes?
Seneca (4 B.C. - 65 A.D.)

Live Life Like A Dog

Whore

Holiday Tips

As the holidays begin, I wanted to pass these tips along to you. Enjoy the spirit of the festivities.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies or pralines in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

 Have a great holiday season

The Polite Way To Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,Asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

"What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

"And you, little Eddie, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you
to after dinner." The teacher fainted.

Another Blond Joke

I apologize in advance to all blondes...natural or otherwise.

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

A Cat Named Lucky

I thought this was going to be a heart wrenching story about a cat that got run over by a truck then had to walk 100 miles home after being bitten by a snake.

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked .

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Don't be Afraid of....

Don’t be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.

General Alvaro Obregon

If My Body Were A Car

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh.....
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires

Hearty and Lavish

Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.

Charles Schwab

Benjamin Franklin Secret to His Success

I will speak ill of no man, ... and speak all the good I know of everybody.

Benjamin Franklin

Don't Complain

Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof, when your own doorstep is unclean.
Confucius

Foolish to Scold

I learned thirty years ago that it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.
John Wanamaker

Health Warning!!!

The Aim of Education

The great aim of education, is not knowledge but action.

Herbert Spencer

The Blessing of the Snow Fairy

The Snow Fairy will bring you good luck for one year! May you be blessed by his good deeds!.....

Years...

Years teach us more than books.
Berthold Auerbach

New Drink

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"

The bartender replied, "It's a 'Pabst Smir."

Ghost Sex?

A professor at the University of Arkansas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big Arkansas redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiiit!, from way back thar I thought you said, 'Goats'."

Old Timer's Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

His and Her Diary

HER DIARY: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY: My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid

Temple of Wisdom

The doorstep to the temple of wisdom is the knowledge of our own ignorance.
-- Charles Haddon Spurgeon

The Power of Alcohol

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignore s the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief . The bartender sighs and says,

'He should've quit while he was a head.'

A Thanksgiving Thought

Just think...if the Indians had given the Pilgrim Fathers a donkey instead of a turkey we would all be having a Piece of Ass for Thanksgiving!

Actions and Words

As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say. I just watch what they do.
-- Andrew Carnegie

Best Politcal Cartoon Ever

Now whether your candidate won or not this is a very funny cartoon.

Friedrich Nietzsche

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Legal Question

Is this statutary rape???

Or is it just a Moosedemeanor.....

Chinese Food

http://jflores.com/jokes/chowmein.htm

How To Be Cruel To Old Guys

Winners...

There are no winners, only survivors.
-- Frank Gifford

Why Men Have 2 Hands

Press On

Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.

-- Anonymous (On a friend's office wall)

My Father

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
--Spike Milligan

What do I know?

You know more than you think you do.
-- Benjamin Spock

Successful People

Successful people are successful because they form habits of doing those things that failures don't like to do.
--Albert Gray

On Recent Trip

On recent trip to U.S. -- observed honarable American's on place called golf course playing game called "Oh Shit!"

--Anonymous (From plaque that was once my grandfather's)

Only great minds can read this

This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too


Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it


FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT

Live Life...

Live everyday like it's your last & one day you'll be right.

--Frank Sinatra

Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, while yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the oth er one's 7. Why the hell! would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

The Difference Between Men & Women

They say that a picture is worth a 1,000 words. So here are 13,000 words that demonstrate the difference between men and women. Enjoy!

Normal People

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
-- Joe Ancis

Mental States

..if one's mental states are right, everything else must be right too, whereas, if these are wrong, nothing else can be right.

--Emmet Fox, The Sermon on the Mount, page 18

Aussie Toilet Paper

Living A Life of Principles

If you really do wish to alter your life, if you really do wish to change yourself--to become a different person altogether in the sight of God and man--if you really do want health and peace of mind, and spiritual development, then Jesus, in his Sermon on the Mount, has clearly shown you how it is to be done. The task is not an easy one, but we know that it can be accomplished, because there are those who have done it--but the price must be paid, and the price is the actually carrying out of these principles in every corner of your life, and in every daily transaction, whether you wish to or not, and more particularly where you would much rather not.
--Emmet Fox, The Sermon on the Mount, page 15-16

New Direction For The War On Terrorists

Drafting Guys over 50 - this is so funny & obviously written by a former soldier.

Send Service Vets over 50

I am over 50 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18 -year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brain teaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. 

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the New army now, Get down and give me ... ER
... one.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. 

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want t o see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with attitude and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. 

If nothing else, put us on border patrol...we will have it secured the first night!

Thought for the Day

The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed. It is just these intense conflicts and their conflagration which are needed to produce valuable and lasting results.

--Carl Jung, Swiss Psychiatrist

Fishing

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.

New Medication

I think this video says it all. I have nothing more to say.....

Rube Goldberg Honda Commercial

If you thought that the people who set up a room full of dominos to have them knocked over later were amazing, you haven't seen anything yet. There are no computer graphics or digital tricks in these images. Everything that you see happened in real time exactly as you see it. The recording required 606 takes and in the first 605 takes there always was something, usually of minor importance, that didn't work.

It was necessary for the recording team to install the setup time after time and it took several weeks, working day and night, to achieve this effect. The recording cost 6 million dollars and it took 3 months to finish, including the engineering design of the sequence. The duration of the video is only 2 minutes, but every time that Honda shows the commercial on British television, they make enough money to support any of us for the rest of our lives..

Honda execs think that it will pay for itself simply because of the free showings (Honda is not paying one cent for you to see it).

When Honda senior execs viewed it, they immediately approved it without hesitation-including costs. There were only six Honda Accords built by hand in the whole world, and to the horror of Honda engineers, the recording team disassembled two of them for the recording. Everything you see in the sequence (besides the walls, floor, ramp and untouched Honda Accord) is part of those two automobiles.

The voice is that of Garrison Keiller.

The commercial was so well received by Honda execs when they saw it, that their first comment was how amazing the computer graphics were.

They almost fell out of their chairs when told that the recording was real without any graphics manipulation. By the way, about the wind shield wipers in the new Honda Accords, they are sensitive to water and designed to start working as soon as they get wet.

Have YOUR Stupid For The Day.

Connect to this to have your stupid fun for the day!

http://video.yahoo.com/network/100284668?fr=yvmtf

Do It All

As far as cusine is concerned, one must read everything, see everything, hear everything, try everything, observe everything, in order to retain in the end,  just a little bit.
--Fernand Point

Best Short Joke of the Year

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

A Smile from God

Things That Are Difficult To Say When Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Robin Williams Favorite Joke

Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks up and there in the doorway is his 8-year-old son. Kid looks horrified and runs away. The guy says to his wife, "Well, I'd better go talk to Timmy." He puts on some clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door and there's Timmy banging the shit out of Grandma. The father says, "Oh my God!" Timmy says, "Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

Straighten Out

When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.
--4th ed. Big Book pg. 76

The above excerpts are from the book titled, Alcoholics Anonymous,
Copyright © Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

In practicing our Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. has neither endorsed nor are they affiliated with this site. Alcoholics Anonymous®, AA®, and the Big Book® are registered trademarks of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Compact Lamborghini

Happy Halloween

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. 

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. 

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. 

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!" 

"IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom broom. 

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

The Greatest Prank Call Ever

Saying Grace in a Restaurant

Last week, I took my children to a restaurant. 

 

My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.  As we bowed our heads he said, 'God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!' 

 

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, 'That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!' 

 

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, 'Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?' 

 

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. 

 

He winked at my son and said, 'I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.' 

 

'Really?' my son asked. 

 

'Cross my heart,' the man replied. 

 

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), 'Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.' 

 

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. 

 

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, 'Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already.' 

 

The End

Best Home Improvement Catalog Ever

Live in the past

When we seek to live upon yesterday's realization, we are actually seeking to live in the past, and to live in the past is death. The art of life is to live in the present moment, and to make that moment as perfect as we can by the realization that we are the instruments and expression of God Himself.  The best way to prepare for tommorrow is to make today all that it should be.

--Emmet Fox, The Sermon on the Mount, page 167

Grow Old

Grow Old Along With Me

The Best Is Yet To Be

--Anonymous

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and peach trees. The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore. 

One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to bring back some fruit. 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.  As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. 

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' 

The old man frowned , 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

Veterans

The willingness with which our young people are likely to serve in any war, no matter how justified, shall be directly proportional as to how they perceive veterans of earlier wars were treated and appreciated by this country.

--George Washington, 1789

Little Flab

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...

"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent .

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....

"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response...

So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.'

With a death grip in place, she said...

"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, The postman, The pool man and Your brother!"

Political Correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading  America....  

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and  West Virginians  will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

 

And furthermore:

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a

BREASTED AMERICAN.

 

She is not 'EASY' - She is

HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

REAR CLEAVAGE