Love Stitches

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On examining it I saw it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors and got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for awhile! As she is a victim of Alzheimer's disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"

He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me but I still know who she is."
I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm and thought, 'That is the kind of love I want in my life.

True love is neither physical nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

What is Love?

Philosophers and artists have been trying to answer that question since the beginning of mankind. And no one has yet to discover what it is. But we all know what Love is not. Love is not something you “know.” It is not like you can wake up one day and Walla! They are THE one! It is something that is nurtured, something that is taken care of. If everyone “knew” if their partner was THE one, or it was THE love there would be no point to dating. There would be no divorce, no need for therapy and counseling. Everyone would know and not question it.

Love is something you grow, and it is maintained through conversation, compromise, and understanding to list a few. Of course at times we all fall short and forget to maintain that love but if we value ourselves and our partner we get back in the ring, but sometimes we don’t because we are questioning what Love is and if we have it.

Most times in math, logic, philosophy, as well as in live we try to see answers by proving that something IS, or that something does exist. A very common example is the question if “God” exists. Although there are no physical facts to prove the existence of “God” many believe & many see “miracles” happen that could not otherwise be explained. But there is even less proof that God does NOT exist.

So sometimes the easiest way to seek answers is not to see if the theory is true, but to see if it is false. I think it is the same with Love. Few know if they are in love, without questioning it, but we all know if we are not in Love. So maybe the question is not IF I love them but rather do I NOT love them. That begs the question why do we question if we are or are not in Love. If there was an answer to that question we would once again have few problems. I think there are a multitude of possible answers all stemming from fear.

1. Fear they will miss out on something or someone better, even though they best person might be in front of them.
2. Fear they will get hurt. Love hurts at times. But the majority of the time it is an amazing experience. Disagreements in relationships always occur, however pain and hurt continues in a relationship if these disagreements aren’t dealt with right away.
3. Fear that they don’t deserve the other.
4. Fear of what others might think of the relationship or the partner. (e.g. Parents, friends, coworkers) This commonly occurs. We must always be cognizant that a relationship is between two people. Not three or four.
5. Fear of change. Fear that one will or will not change, be that oneself or one’s partner. Sometimes we all forget that change is inevitable. It truly is the only constant in the universe. We all tend to get comfortable in our lives and we resist change, however successful partners work as a team via compromise, communication etc, to build a life together that will last, and to deal with change head on.

Love is more of an action than an emotion so one of the best ways to help determine if they don’t love someone is by their actions towards them. Not with specific situations but as a whole. No one is perfect and is perfect towards their partner 100% of the time. One question that has been helpful to a lot of people is to compare your actions towards your closest friend to that of your partner. Would you do more & do you do more for your partner than you do or would for your closest friend? This same question can be applied if you question your partners love for you as well. Everyone shows love differently. Our partners don’t always demonstrate love towards us as we expect they should, but that does not mean they don’t love us.

All of this begs the question why is there so much divorce? First I think it is because we have become a throwaway society. It is cheaper to buy a new ‘one’ than fix the old ‘one.’ We have been programmed that it is ok to do just that. Although that may be true with objects or things it is not with people or relationships. With these it takes much less time and energy to fix a relationship than to start a new one. Especially the longer the couple has been together. It takes even less time to maintain a relationship than fix one. Just like a car…it’s cheaper and takes less time and energy to make sure the fluid levels are ok than it is to put in a new engine. The acceptance of divorce by society also plays into this idea as well. In the past divorce was frowned upon and not accepted. It was truly a last alternative and very rarely used or accepted. This caused couples to work through their issues with themselves and each other. This also true with the idea of marriage itself. The definition of marry is “to unite in close and usually permanent fashion” I tend to believe as time goes on that people place more emphasis on usually rather than permanent. Secondly, the false ideas that society has conditioned us with regard to love and relationships. Sometimes we fail to realize that movies are made for entertainment value. Not for the classroom. They are movies not documentaries. Third, the speed of society. With everything in the 21st century being so “instant” (Instant Messaging, Email, Internet, etc.) we believe that feelings and relationships & Love should be instant too. Again not the case. We don’t instantly fall in love after the first date, it takes time to get to know the person, communicate with them, and share all of each other with each other before Love is found.

It is impossible that one day you plant a flower seed in your garden, and the next day the plant has grown and flowered. Love is exactly the same way. When you plant a seed you have faith that it will grow if you plant it in good soil and provide it sunlight, water, and care. Love works the same way. You must have faith that it will grow as long as you provide it the nourishment it needs to flourish.

The Greatest Gift...Love

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give all I posses to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.  When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.  Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

--1 Corinthians 13:1-13

Bitter Sweet

Four years ago today I started a new volume of my life, by going to rehab, and in less than 10 hours I will celebrate four continuous years of sobriety. In those four years chapters and chapters of my life have been written. However looking back on those chapters, I can't help to feel that the journey is bitter sweet.

Bitter because of the multitudes of individuals that started out on this journey with me, few have remained faithful and stayed on the path. Some have wandered of to test the waters of life, only to come back with a new resolve. Some have veered off, and have yet to return. And some, painfully to say, have left only to loose their lives. Yet, thankfully, others have stayed true to themselves and the path and have not wavered, thus celebrating yet another year with them makes it so sweet.

Contemplating this just makes me wonder why have I been so blessed. In retrospect I feel that it has it's foundation in willingness. When I arrived at rehab I was unwilling to stay sober. I was only willing to clean up my life enough so that I would have the law, and my family off my back. I just wished to regain my standing in the community, and my health, and then go back to my life as I knew it. However as I got introduced to the sober lifestyle and recognized it was truly not as bad as I thought my willingness grew and grew until I was willing to go to any length. The final keystone in my willingness was when I truly accepted the fact that I was powerless and my life had become unmanageable.

However willingness will only get you so far. As one author put it: "If willingness is the key to unlock the gates of hell, it is action that opens those doors so that we may walk freely among the living." Thankfully when I became willing to go to any length there was a plethora of individuals that had been walking the spiritual and sober path much longer than I. These old-timers, and elder statesmen showed me what actions were necessary for victory over alcohol and drugs, thus allowing me to truly open those gates wide so I may now walk with my head held high, freely among the living. Again some are still with us, some have passed on to the big meeting in the sky. Sharing yet another celebration of yet another year with all of them excites me, and humbles me. Making me be hopeful that I can return the favor one day and be in their shoes to carry the message to the next man or woman who starts on a new path of life.