Sunday, January 18, 2009

The Original Computer

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy...

You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Elks and Masons

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, 'Did you know that a Elk has sex 10 to 15 times a night?'

'Ah shit,' says his friend, 'and I just joined the Masons!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Lizard Birth

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth..'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad !' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly.. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . .masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just . just . .. . excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . . its. . . teeny little . . '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Military Humor (Part 7)

The American had just gotten off the plane in Paris. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You've been to France before, monsieur?", the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in 1944 I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Military Humor (Part 6)

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Military Humor (Part 5)

An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Monday, January 12, 2009

Military Humor (Part 4)

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Military Humor (Part 3)

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to Hook up your telephone."

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Sanskrit Proverb

Look to this day,
For it is life,
The very life of life.
In its brief course lies all
The realities and verities of existence,
The bliss of growth,
The splendor of action,
The glory of power.
For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision.
But today, well lived,
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness.
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.

Military Humor (Part 2)

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

Friday, January 9, 2009

Today's Thought

I am but one, but I am one;
I can't do everything,
But I can do SOMETHING;
What I can do, I ought to do,
What I ought to do, God helping me,
I WILL DO.

Military Humor (Part 1)

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few seconds the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals."

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Reward for Work

The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more.
-- Jonas Salk

We Lost

Although I claim no political affiliation I found this email quite amusing.
OK, We Lost
No Hard Feelings...to the democrats
The election is over,
The talking is done.
My party lost, your party won.
So let us be friends,
Let arguments pass.
I'll hug my elephant,
You kiss your ass.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Past, Present, Future

The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.
-- Marcel Pagnol

Financial Planning


Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

I guess some women are better at financial planning than men.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Holy Alphabet

Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!

Turner Brown

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20-inch penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown".

The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK?" In a very weak voice the little guys says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20-inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Daddy, How Was I Born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!'

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:

P...E...N...I...S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Friday, January 2, 2009

Mid-Life Crisis

After being married for 42 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19-year-old chick.
 
Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 61-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.
 
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 19-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
 
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Snorkeling in Ohio


Alcohol may have been involved.