Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas Tree Pictures

I thought it would be neat to share my Christmas tree with everyone. It was probably the biggest tree we've had at my parent's. Main thing is how crooked the top is. LOL. Sorta like my family. Just a little off. :)

Monday, December 24, 2007

Mind Fucking and Decision Making

I don't know about you but when you make decisions that cause a great deal of uncertainty one begins to MIND FUCK oneself. As you can see in the past few posts.

But what is even more important is that before you make a decision or act in any way you need to look at why you want to do it. However what is paramount is to determine were you spiritually centered when you make the decision as well as during the times you're basing your decision on.

Case in point. My girlfriend drinks, sometimes more than I like. How can I kick her to the curb if I was not spiritually fit when she got drunk in the past. If I was not and I act and make a decision based on that I would not be basing my action on evidence but rather hearsay.

Letter to Her

[Names have been omitted in the interest of anonymity"

-----, I am so frustrated and confused with this whole deal. I am sad and feeling like we are getting cheated. Here are the questions I keep running through my head. Could I marry you and spend the rest of my life with you? Possibly. Do I love you? Unequivocally. Am I in pain without you? Undeniably.

With that being said and you knowing how I feel about you & your drinking, I'm sure we both want to know if we have a chance at working this all out right now so we can truly enjoy the spirit of Christmas and the holidays. I don't want to go through the rest of my life asking "What if".

I don't know if this will work, and I can not change the way I feel about your drinking. We both know that as far back as Jenna's party I have made my position known. The question is there a way we can both find happiness and not hurt each other further? I can not be subjected to your blackouts and binges.

At first I thought there was no hope. Being in AA and watching people with a problem not make it really skews my thinking. I thought us staying together would just bring more pain to us both. However we in AA are sometimes biased. Sometimes I fear you might have a problem because you blackout, and because of your family history. Therefore, I get scared and want to run. I think I have made my position known at least a few times but you still do this drinking to excess thing around me.

However, my only guide in this situation is the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the opinions of a few friends. The Big Book describes different types of drinkers. Some can stop or moderate without help or AA when an event occurs, some can't and need AA's help. I hope and pray you are not the later of the two.

What I am trying to say is that if you value the time and commitment we have put in each other over the past two years as I do, can you either stop drinking, or stop getting drunk, and blacking out? (I guess you could call this the ultimatum you were looking for.) Because I can not handle it when you do. It scares me to my core with your family history as well as my experience. True or not, when you drink, I see my worst enemy...alcoholism, and it denies me of the compassion and love that we both share for each other. Lastly, I hate the look of shame and remorse in your eyes the next day. I don't want my problems to be projecting on you so I need you to try not getting drunk or blacking out around me. That is if you are still interested in me.

If this works we will be able to enjoy who knows how long together. If not we will both learn very valuable, yet painful lessons. Again, I don't want to go through the rest of my life asking "What if".

Please respond ASAP because I will be in SD tonight to go to my meeting and I would love to see you if this proposition meets with your approval. Who knows, it might be nice to watch you open your gifts.



Nothings Works.

I have been to two AA Meetings today, and countless others of the past week. I have been constantly praying and meditating, reading The Sermon on the Mount by Emmet Fox, The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, and calling AA's every hour of the day and every waking moment for the past week! And nothing has helped. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I may look ok and type what my mind says ok but inside I'm a wreck.

My heart wants her back. My HEART, not any other part of my being. However my mind says that what has come was inevitable; that I can not nor should not in any way try to control her drinking. Yet I'm clouded by our conversation the other day where, I may be wrong, she insulated she was sorry and wanted to find a middle ground.

I was always raised to follow my heart and not my head. And it appears that I didn't follow my heart this time for the sack of it getting hurt down the road by her drinking to the state of being drunk or blacking out. Causing my heart to be broken yet one more time.

I want to contact her, call her, myspace her, email her and ask and find out if there is truly any way for this to work so that we can be together during the holiday and next year. I want to find out and talk with her and discover if she can do anything to make this work so, if she is feeling what I'm feeling, we can enjoy the holiday.

Letting Go Letting God

One of the most difficult things I have had to learn in life and sobriety is how to Let Go and Let God. In some circles and some circumstances it is called Tough Love.

With Christmas literally just around the corner it is most difficult to let the things that matter most to you in life go with love, and the more you love that person or thing the more difficult it is to let it go even though you are sometimes left no other choice.

What I am beginning to find is that when this happens the mind races with questions of Why? Was there something else I could have done or said or expressed? We look to these questions to find answers to why we acted or chose the paths we did. We look to find why we had to do what we had to do.

In some instances we find answers that we did not want to realize. Sometimes the answer was that we were wrong. Sometimes, in my case we learn that we did all we could and we were left no other choice than the action we choose. And that is the hardest nut to swallow. For when we learn that there was another option we can go back and do whatever is in our power to make it right. But when our choice was the right and only choice it becomes so very painful to accept. Especially when you would do anything and everything in your power to change it, but you can't.

Sunday, December 23, 2007


The pain still has not subsided. I loved her with all of me. She was my best friend. Someone I confided in with everything. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have learned so much about myself. But WHY WHY WHY! She knew how I felt about her getting drunk, we discussed time and time again. I told her after Jenna's party that I don't give ultimatums. That I didn't like it when she drank excessively, That she became a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. That I love the Katie that goes to goes to coffee with me. But I always ALWAYS said that I never had a problem with her drinking just her getting drunk. I told her that Jenna's was a warning, a strike one in respects, I told her that one day she would find herself without me. I just wish it wasn't so! I guess looking back on the times this same thing happened since Jenna's Sunday night was in respect strike 5 or 6.

It makes me wonder if she really loved me. If she did would she have drank the way she did? would she have embarrassed me the way she did? I knew she knew how I felt I maid it clear to her. I know I loved her. I invested every waking moment and thought to her and her happiness. I know this because I'm having a hell of a time not thinking about just that. Her and her happiness.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

The worst thing

I just realized the absolute worst thing about all of this! There is nothing else I could have done. Looking back I remembered the multitude of times I let her know how I felt about her drinking. How it took away from us. I clearly remember one night at a party one of her cohorts was throwing. It was time to go and she was very drunk. I was kind and went and got her towel and said not to worry I would get her things. As I went to do so she took the towel off and jumped back in the pool. Her knowing that I had to get up several hours later for work. Needless to say I packed her things went back outside and kissed her goodnight letting her know I would be able to pick her up after I got off work or she could get a ride home. By the time I got on the freeway Jenna was calling me with Her in tears. I went back and picked her up.

The next day I remember telling her that the next time that happens I might not be back to pick her up and she may be without a boyfriend. She took the news well and accepted it.

Then there was the various Rene fiasco's which I need not to mention. The key to all of this is that I let her know countless times how I felt about her getting drunk. Not her drinking. And countless times she betrayed me and my trust and got drunk anyway. I just wish there was something I could have done to make the relationship work. But it turns out there really was nothing. How hopeless that does feel!

Screw it all!

Just got off the phone with a good friend of mine. Whose words put me so much at ease. It went something like this.

"God is making and molding your perfect mate right now and molding you so you will be able to recieve her. A mate where it takes no effort for it to work. It just does."

This is so true! I know I need to stop guessing everything and all of my actions and continue to trust in God. For I truly have a new employer and must trust in him to allow my life to take the path he chooses. However This good friend of mine who told me this has been sober for over 20 years and has a program that I admire. And I know for a fact he prays and meditates on a daily basis. If I had continued on with prayer and meditation after we got back together the last time would it have been different? Would it have taken no effort? Would my defects of character remained in check? Unfortunately I have come to find that the answer would still be no. How depressing! Spirituality is a way of acting and living. It is only through prayer and meditation that we are able to improve our contact with God. Not keep it.

What was different?

What was different the month following getting back together after our last breakup? A great number of things were different than where they are now, I was never happier. And looking back on that time the whole drinking thing really wasn't an issue. It truly makes me wonder why now all of a sudden did I feel enough was enough? Was I really acting or reacting in the situation? Was it really all that bad? What was I doing differently at that time? Well for one I was praying and meditating on a daily basis. On her side it seemed that she was more considerate of my needs and actions. What was funny was during our 2 hour conversation the other day when I dropped off her Christmas Gifts she said that it was during that time she was unsure of where our relationship was going and if it was going to go anywhere. It was only after that time that it seemed her consideration towards me fell off. I think that stemmed from being comfortable in where we were, and where our relationship could possibly head towards. It's funny because she mentioned that the only times she has ever blacked out in her life were when we were together. As she said it was due to her trust in me and not being afraid. Which warms my heart.

After I fell away from my praying and meditating I found myself falling into those 7 deadly sins of lust, gluttony, pride, sloth. And I began to act out on some of my worst character defects. Character Defects that I used to stay high in my addiction. I just wish that I could take the blame for it all and correct it so I can be back together with her but I can't.

What if she more about me and my alcoholism? What if she went to Alanon with me and we could share that together? How awesome would that be? Being able to share the most important part of my life, my program with another. That way she would not only understand me better but help me in my recovery. Man what a great idea. Why not learn more about her and have her learn more about me. (i.e. my recovery) as friends and see where it goes from there? Maybe I am just thinking too much. Maybe not.

All I know is that outside of the drinking those two years were the happiest of my 25 years of life.

Second Thoughts

I am having second thoughts about this whole break-up. I assume such thoughts are normal. The question, "Should I stay or should I go." Was one question that I did not look at when I acted on Sunday.

If I were to stay and I talked with her yeat again and told her how I felt about her and her drinking. Changes might have occured. I could have explained to her how when she drinks excessivly it deprives me of basic needs and desires. It deeply affects me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Emotionally it affects me because she is not there to duscuss things with. Mentally, because I am unable to hold a conversation with her. Spiritually, because I am not able to share myslef with her in an intimate way. And physically, because I am unable to make love to her because I'm making love to her body and not to the woman I love. She truly becomes a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

In addition I would still have the my best friend there to share the holidays with. However my fear would be that things would be good for a while and then return to the way they always have. I would be still plagued by the fear of a worse breakup, and us not being able to be friends afterward. I would have the fear of our relationship ending up like her Father and Mother's or like her Father and Step-Mother's.

Furthermore by staying and going through with all of this would I have been causing her to change? Would I have been deniying her an opportunity to grow? The key question is this. IS she an alcoholic or not? That is a question that only she can answer. However looking deeper I can find the following debate helpful.

If she is an alcoholic by us staying together and her trying to control and enjoy her drinking. Things might improve for a while but will invariably return to the way they once were. Not to mention by us staying together she would be denied the oportunity to discover this painful fact that she does have a drinking problem. And by doing might lead us to a point where we can no longer be friends. If that is the case I have uneqivally done the right thing.

If she is not an alcoholic by us staying together things would improve and at some point things might digress for a moment here and there but as long as I trust in God we could lead very happy lives. And the possibility of marriage is and has be there and I might persue that option.

Right now I just feel very lonely. She is not there to confide in. I think this just further demonstrates how I had lost touch with God. After our last breakup I came to learn how I had slowly removed myself from His grace and wisdom and then we brok up. Then we got back together and I began praying and meditating daily like I once did. The exact same things occured yet again. I broke up with her and realize what I should habe been doing the whole time. Staying in touch with my God. Did I make the right decision? Looking deep inside I can honestly say that if I could never have sex with her again but be able to hang out and spend time with her that would be ok. Does that mean anything I don't know.

Who knows maybe, as I'm sure it does the problem lies with me. I must get reconneced with my God. And God willing Katie and I will become friends again and I will just do what is in front of me in the next five minutes and Katie and I might be back together, or we might now.

A big part of me however wishes she would make the final blow if it came down to us not ever being able to be friend or never being able to be in a relationship. I just tend to think that I might have cut off my nose despite my face yet again.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

What's For Breakfast

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. "A bowl of Soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe rotisserie chicken or a tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry."

Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Doctor Dave

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming.But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering:




Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

It’s amazing! I feel like shit or I should say I did feel like shit, full of anger, and pain. Then tonight at the Tuesday Night Porter Hall meeting I realized I am not only in pain but grateful at the same time. Grateful that I am not alone and that I am feeling exactly what I need to feel. The meeting was excellent and furthered my decision to break up with my girlfriend of almost 2 years was the correct thing to do.

We are each given by God instincts and methods of dealing with life. When drinking these instincts get abused and turn into Character defects, or as they are referred to in Step 7, Shortcomings. I heard from someone tonight that another way to look at shortcomings as something that leaves you short. Man is he correct.

“True, most of us thought good character was desirable, but obviously good character was something one needed to get on with the business of being self-satisfied. With a proper display of honesty and morality, we’d stand a better chance of getting what we really wanted. But whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the dust of our chase after what we thought was happiness. Seldom did we look at character-building as something desirable in itself, something we would like to strive for whether our instinctual needs were met or not. We never though of making honesty, tolerance, and true love of man and God the daily basis of living.” – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg 71-72

This paragraph hit me tonight like a ton of bricks. However it hit me in the best meaning of the phrase. I realized truly and finally that this breakup was the right thing to do. I had to break up with her because if I didn’t I would be seeking comfort, rather than seek character-building, in terms of all aspects of me.

I also came to realize that I was living in fear and insanity. Fear in terms of being fearful of how she might act each night; insanity with respect to thinking that this time would be different. I can not allow myself to live in fear and insanity. There is only so much one man can put up with. A relationship must involve compromise. I compromised for her. But she couldn't compromise her drinking for me. What a stab though the heart!

I was chasing after what I thought was happiness in my relationship with her. It turned out not to be in the end. If true happiness was to occur compromises on both sides would have been accomplished. However, with this being said, there were an incalculable number of times I experienced more happiness than I thought was possible. I did not realize until that Sunday Night that I truly needed to get on with the business of being self-satisfied, as referred to in the passage, and that I was neglecting her and my opportunity to grow. Tonight I realized that I had to do this whether my instinctual needs (ie sex, and companionship) were met or not.

Now I must working on character-building by disassociating my self with her via communication. I must do nothing more than keep her in my prayers, give her the Christmas gifts she so deserves, although at times the pain and anger sway me otherwise.