Saturday, December 22, 2007

What was different?

What was different the month following getting back together after our last breakup? A great number of things were different than where they are now, I was never happier. And looking back on that time the whole drinking thing really wasn't an issue. It truly makes me wonder why now all of a sudden did I feel enough was enough? Was I really acting or reacting in the situation? Was it really all that bad? What was I doing differently at that time? Well for one I was praying and meditating on a daily basis. On her side it seemed that she was more considerate of my needs and actions. What was funny was during our 2 hour conversation the other day when I dropped off her Christmas Gifts she said that it was during that time she was unsure of where our relationship was going and if it was going to go anywhere. It was only after that time that it seemed her consideration towards me fell off. I think that stemmed from being comfortable in where we were, and where our relationship could possibly head towards. It's funny because she mentioned that the only times she has ever blacked out in her life were when we were together. As she said it was due to her trust in me and not being afraid. Which warms my heart.

After I fell away from my praying and meditating I found myself falling into those 7 deadly sins of lust, gluttony, pride, sloth. And I began to act out on some of my worst character defects. Character Defects that I used to stay high in my addiction. I just wish that I could take the blame for it all and correct it so I can be back together with her but I can't.

What if she more about me and my alcoholism? What if she went to Alanon with me and we could share that together? How awesome would that be? Being able to share the most important part of my life, my program with another. That way she would not only understand me better but help me in my recovery. Man what a great idea. Why not learn more about her and have her learn more about me. (i.e. my recovery) as friends and see where it goes from there? Maybe I am just thinking too much. Maybe not.

All I know is that outside of the drinking those two years were the happiest of my 25 years of life.

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