Saturday, December 22, 2007

Second Thoughts

I am having second thoughts about this whole break-up. I assume such thoughts are normal. The question, "Should I stay or should I go." Was one question that I did not look at when I acted on Sunday.

If I were to stay and I talked with her yeat again and told her how I felt about her and her drinking. Changes might have occured. I could have explained to her how when she drinks excessivly it deprives me of basic needs and desires. It deeply affects me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Emotionally it affects me because she is not there to duscuss things with. Mentally, because I am unable to hold a conversation with her. Spiritually, because I am not able to share myslef with her in an intimate way. And physically, because I am unable to make love to her because I'm making love to her body and not to the woman I love. She truly becomes a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

In addition I would still have the my best friend there to share the holidays with. However my fear would be that things would be good for a while and then return to the way they always have. I would be still plagued by the fear of a worse breakup, and us not being able to be friends afterward. I would have the fear of our relationship ending up like her Father and Mother's or like her Father and Step-Mother's.

Furthermore by staying and going through with all of this would I have been causing her to change? Would I have been deniying her an opportunity to grow? The key question is this. IS she an alcoholic or not? That is a question that only she can answer. However looking deeper I can find the following debate helpful.

If she is an alcoholic by us staying together and her trying to control and enjoy her drinking. Things might improve for a while but will invariably return to the way they once were. Not to mention by us staying together she would be denied the oportunity to discover this painful fact that she does have a drinking problem. And by doing might lead us to a point where we can no longer be friends. If that is the case I have uneqivally done the right thing.

If she is not an alcoholic by us staying together things would improve and at some point things might digress for a moment here and there but as long as I trust in God we could lead very happy lives. And the possibility of marriage is and has be there and I might persue that option.

Right now I just feel very lonely. She is not there to confide in. I think this just further demonstrates how I had lost touch with God. After our last breakup I came to learn how I had slowly removed myself from His grace and wisdom and then we brok up. Then we got back together and I began praying and meditating daily like I once did. The exact same things occured yet again. I broke up with her and realize what I should habe been doing the whole time. Staying in touch with my God. Did I make the right decision? Looking deep inside I can honestly say that if I could never have sex with her again but be able to hang out and spend time with her that would be ok. Does that mean anything I don't know.

Who knows maybe, as I'm sure it does the problem lies with me. I must get reconneced with my God. And God willing Katie and I will become friends again and I will just do what is in front of me in the next five minutes and Katie and I might be back together, or we might now.

A big part of me however wishes she would make the final blow if it came down to us not ever being able to be friend or never being able to be in a relationship. I just tend to think that I might have cut off my nose despite my face yet again.

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