Monday, December 24, 2007

Nothings Works.

I have been to two AA Meetings today, and countless others of the past week. I have been constantly praying and meditating, reading The Sermon on the Mount by Emmet Fox, The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, and calling AA's every hour of the day and every waking moment for the past week! And nothing has helped. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I may look ok and type what my mind says ok but inside I'm a wreck.

My heart wants her back. My HEART, not any other part of my being. However my mind says that what has come was inevitable; that I can not nor should not in any way try to control her drinking. Yet I'm clouded by our conversation the other day where, I may be wrong, she insulated she was sorry and wanted to find a middle ground.

I was always raised to follow my heart and not my head. And it appears that I didn't follow my heart this time for the sack of it getting hurt down the road by her drinking to the state of being drunk or blacking out. Causing my heart to be broken yet one more time.

I want to contact her, call her, myspace her, email her and ask and find out if there is truly any way for this to work so that we can be together during the holiday and next year. I want to find out and talk with her and discover if she can do anything to make this work so, if she is feeling what I'm feeling, we can enjoy the holiday.

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