Tuesday, December 18, 2007

It’s amazing! I feel like shit or I should say I did feel like shit, full of anger, and pain. Then tonight at the Tuesday Night Porter Hall meeting I realized I am not only in pain but grateful at the same time. Grateful that I am not alone and that I am feeling exactly what I need to feel. The meeting was excellent and furthered my decision to break up with my girlfriend of almost 2 years was the correct thing to do.

We are each given by God instincts and methods of dealing with life. When drinking these instincts get abused and turn into Character defects, or as they are referred to in Step 7, Shortcomings. I heard from someone tonight that another way to look at shortcomings as something that leaves you short. Man is he correct.

“True, most of us thought good character was desirable, but obviously good character was something one needed to get on with the business of being self-satisfied. With a proper display of honesty and morality, we’d stand a better chance of getting what we really wanted. But whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the dust of our chase after what we thought was happiness. Seldom did we look at character-building as something desirable in itself, something we would like to strive for whether our instinctual needs were met or not. We never though of making honesty, tolerance, and true love of man and God the daily basis of living.” – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg 71-72

This paragraph hit me tonight like a ton of bricks. However it hit me in the best meaning of the phrase. I realized truly and finally that this breakup was the right thing to do. I had to break up with her because if I didn’t I would be seeking comfort, rather than seek character-building, in terms of all aspects of me.

I also came to realize that I was living in fear and insanity. Fear in terms of being fearful of how she might act each night; insanity with respect to thinking that this time would be different. I can not allow myself to live in fear and insanity. There is only so much one man can put up with. A relationship must involve compromise. I compromised for her. But she couldn't compromise her drinking for me. What a stab though the heart!

I was chasing after what I thought was happiness in my relationship with her. It turned out not to be in the end. If true happiness was to occur compromises on both sides would have been accomplished. However, with this being said, there were an incalculable number of times I experienced more happiness than I thought was possible. I did not realize until that Sunday Night that I truly needed to get on with the business of being self-satisfied, as referred to in the passage, and that I was neglecting her and my opportunity to grow. Tonight I realized that I had to do this whether my instinctual needs (ie sex, and companionship) were met or not.

Now I must working on character-building by disassociating my self with her via communication. I must do nothing more than keep her in my prayers, give her the Christmas gifts she so deserves, although at times the pain and anger sway me otherwise.