Sunday, November 30, 2008

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked .

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Don't be Afraid of....

Don’t be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.
General Alvaro Obregon

Saturday, November 29, 2008

If My Body Were A Car

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh.....
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires

Hearty and Lavish

Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.
Charles Schwab

Friday, November 28, 2008

Benjamin Franklin Secret to His Success

I will speak ill of no man, ... and speak all the good I know of everybody.
Benjamin Franklin

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Don't Complain

Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof, when your own doorstep is unclean.
Confucius

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Foolish to Scold

I learned thirty years ago that it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.
John Wanamaker

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Health Warning!!!

The Aim of Education

The great aim of education, is not knowledge but action.
Herbert Spencer

The Blessing of the Snow Fairy

The Snow Fairy will bring you good luck for one year! May you be blessed by his good deeds!.....

Monday, November 24, 2008

Years...

Years teach us more than books.
Berthold Auerbach

New Drink

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"

The bartender replied, "It's a 'Pabst Smir."

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Ghost Sex?

A professor at the University of Arkansas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big Arkansas redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiiit!, from way back thar I thought you said, 'Goats'."

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Old Timer's Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Friday, November 21, 2008

His and Her Diary

HER DIARY: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY: My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Temple of Wisdom

The doorstep to the temple of wisdom is the knowledge of our own ignorance.
-- Charles Haddon Spurgeon

The Power of Alcohol

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignore s the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief . The bartender sighs and says,

'He should've quit while he was a head.'

Sunday, November 16, 2008

A Thanksgiving Thought

Just think...if the Indians had given the Pilgrim Fathers a donkey instead of a turkey we would all be having a Piece of Ass for Thanksgiving!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Actions and Words

As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say. I just watch what they do.
-- Andrew Carnegie

Best Politcal Cartoon Ever

Now whether your candidate won or not this is a very funny cartoon.



Thursday, November 13, 2008

Friedrich Nietzsche

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Legal Question




Is this statutary rape???


Or is it just a Moosedemeanor.....

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Why Men Have 2 Hands

Press On

Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.
-- Anonymous (On a friend's office wall)

Monday, November 10, 2008

My Father

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
--Spike Milligan

What do I know?

You know more than you think you do.
-- Benjamin Spock

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Successful People

Successful people are successful because they form habits of doing those things that failures don't like to do.
--Albert Gray

On Recent Trip

On recent trip to U.S. -- observed honarable American's on place called golf course playing game called "Oh Shit!"

--Anonymous (From plaque that was once my grandfather's)

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Only great minds can read this

This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too


Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it



FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT

Live Life...

Live everyday like it's your last & one day you'll be right.
--Frank Sinatra

Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, while yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the oth er one's 7. Why the hell! would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

Friday, November 7, 2008

The Difference Between Men & Women

They say that a picture is worth a 1,000 words. So here are 13,000 words that demonstrate the difference between men and women. Enjoy!














Normal People

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
-- Joe Ancis

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Mental States

..if one's mental states are right, everything else must be right too, whereas, if these are wrong, nothing else can be right.
--Emmet Fox, The Sermon on the Mount, page 18

Aussie Toilet Paper

video

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Living A Life of Principles

If you really do wish to alter your life, if you really do wish to change yourself--to become a different person altogether in the sight of God and man--if you really do want health and peace of mind, and spiritual development, then Jesus, in his Sermon on the Mount, has clearly shown you how it is to be done. The task is not an easy one, but we know that it can be accomplished, because there are those who have done it--but the price must be paid, and the price is the actually carrying out of these principles in every corner of your life, and in every daily transaction, whether you wish to or not, and more particularly where you would much rather not.
--Emmet Fox, The Sermon on the Mount, page 15-16

New Direction For The War On Terrorists

Drafting Guys over 50 - this is so funny & obviously written by a former soldier.

Send Service Vets over 50

I am over 50 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18 -year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brain teaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. 

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the New army now, Get down and give me ... ER
... one.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. 

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want t o see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with attitude and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. 

If nothing else, put us on border patrol...we will have it secured the first night!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Thought for the Day

The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed. It is just these intense conflicts and their conflagration which are needed to produce valuable and lasting results.
--Carl Jung, Swiss Psychiatrist

Fishing

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.

Monday, November 3, 2008

New Medication

I think this video says it all. I have nothing more to say.....

video

Rube Goldberg Honda Commercial

If you thought that the people who set up a room full of dominos to have them knocked over later were amazing, you haven't seen anything yet. There are no computer graphics or digital tricks in these images. Everything that you see happened in real time exactly as you see it. The recording required 606 takes and in the first 605 takes there always was something, usually of minor importance, that didn't work.

It was necessary for the recording team to install the setup time after time and it took several weeks, working day and night, to achieve this effect. The recording cost 6 million dollars and it took 3 months to finish, including the engineering design of the sequence. The duration of the video is only 2 minutes, but every time that Honda shows the commercial on British television, they make enough money to support any of us for the rest of our lives..

Honda execs think that it will pay for itself simply because of the free showings (Honda is not paying one cent for you to see it).

When Honda senior execs viewed it, they immediately approved it without hesitation-including costs. There were only six Honda Accords built by hand in the whole world, and to the horror of Honda engineers, the recording team disassembled two of them for the recording. Everything you see in the sequence (besides the walls, floor, ramp and untouched Honda Accord) is part of those two automobiles.

The voice is that of Garrison Keiller.

The commercial was so well received by Honda execs when they saw it, that their first comment was how amazing the computer graphics were.

They almost fell out of their chairs when told that the recording was real without any graphics manipulation. By the way, about the wind shield wipers in the new Honda Accords, they are sensitive to water and designed to start working as soon as they get wet.


video

Have YOUR Stupid For The Day.

Connect to this to have your stupid fun for the day!

Do It All

As far as cusine is concerned, one must read everything, see everything, hear everything, try everything, observe everything, in order to retain in the end,  just a little bit.
--Fernand Point

Best Short Joke of the Year

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

A Smile from God

Things That Are Difficult To Say When Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Robin Williams Favorite Joke

Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks up and there in the doorway is his 8-year-old son. Kid looks horrified and runs away. The guy says to his wife, "Well, I'd better go talk to Timmy." He puts on some clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door and there's Timmy banging the shit out of Grandma. The father says, "Oh my God!" Timmy says, "Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

Straighten Out

When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.
--4th ed. Big Book pg. 76

The above excerpts are from the book titled, Alcoholics Anonymous,
Copyright © Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

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